Tag Archives: fear

We learn from failure, not from success

Image 2 Comments

One of the things I always wanted to understand is the reaction we have after what we think is a mistake. This was an area I was weak on.

We live in a world where we have many choices to make every day. When you have many choices, there is naturally a risk that sometimes you feel you have made a wrong judgement i.e. a mistake. Defined in the Oxford English dictionary as:

“An act or judgement that is misguided or wrong”

After making a mistake, it can feel like it’s the end of the world. All that pressure. You can start thinking I’ve failed. And then the million scenarios start. If only I did x instead of y. If only I made that other choice. Why did I listen to other people…etc etc.

Further still is the nuisance of the justification for making the mistake. This is when the brain starts having fun. The ‘post event analysis’ of why the mistake happend.

In January of this year, after trying very hard I was offered a job I thought I would thoroughly enjoy. The people were nice, the location was brilliant and I would be travelling around the world visiting top Companies. It was like a dream. I didn’t enjoy my current role but I was comfortable, I knew how things worked, I was respected, paid well and worked good stable hours in a stable growing business. But I was still up for the challenge! On handing in my resignation, my current employer offered to promote me further to keep me. This changed the weighing scale completely. And after much deliberation and convincing from friends and family (that I would be a fool to change jobs), I decided to stay. And I rejected the new job.

Initially, I was miserable. This then lead to weeks, if not months, of thinking I had made a mistake. I should’ve have taken the other role. What was I thinking! Why did I say no. It was a huge mistake. One that I felt could have completely changed my life.

The first thing I did was turn to blame. This was to blame other people, who had told me not to change. This is natural. It is our minds defence mechanism for justification. Somehow it became their fault.

Think about a big mistake you last made? Career, family, relationships, purchase decisions even! What happened? Who’s fault was it?

After a lot of thinking you may have concluded that it actually was my fault. I was in control. My mind may have been influenced but I made the choice.

Taking responsibility is the first step.

But for me this was worse! It was harder to live with the mistake knowing it was my own fault. That I couldn’t blame anyone else, which was easy.

Now I was miserable because of me. How does that work?

I thought a lot about it (along with other mistakes) but I was on a mission to understand why. What is a mistake and why do they happen?

Rule no1. never blame others or blame yourself. You had an active choice. But that active choice would have been made anyway, even if you turned back time. Pause and understand this. Because at that point, the significance of the mistake was to guide you. It was to grow your soul. We are here to learn. The real mistake is if you fail to take the opportunity to learn.

Through making mistakes you actually get to see inside your soul. Think about it this way. As humans, there are two main parts. Our physical body and our souls (which are being carried around in the physical body so we can operate in this world).

Getting to know our physical body is easy. We can study it through science.

Through making mistakes you learn about your soul. You learn who you are.

The consequences of your actions from your mistake may seem bad at the time, but if you can understand why you made that mistake and what you would do differently, then you have just grown your soul. You have become enlightened (in that area).

I didn’t learn this lesson initially. I learnt that money was not making me happy and did not leave me feeling fulfilled, even after the promotion. So I contacted a Director at the other job. They told me two weeks after I had said no to the role, the company happen to make redundancies. I was shocked and amazed. But my realization took my life in a new direction, one that was seeking fulfillment. I had to stay in my current job, to learn about money and happiness. If I had chosen the other role, I may not have learnt that for a lot longer.

Mistakes are made to teach us a lesson. Focus on the lesson rather than the mistake.

Now with this new found feeling I am looking for roles that provide long term fulfillment.

So mistakes are necessary. Don’t fret or avoid them with fear and therefore not achieving any progress. 

Sometimes you even have to keep making the same mistake many times, until you learn the lesson trying to be taught.

For those thinking, it’s ok then to keep making the same mistake again and again. You can. In fact, go for it. Take three or five or even ten attempts to learn the same lesson. But know that our time on this earth is limited. Just like when you fail an exam at school, you can keep repeating the year until you pass. But when are you going to apply that knowledge? Learning about your soul may enable you to help others or help yourself. It can take your life in a new direction. Learn quickly. You are wasting time when you could be learning other things.

My understadning is you have not ‘failed’ if you make a mistake. You only fail if you do not apply what you have learnt from a mistake.

Share on Facebook

Fear

Image 2 Comments

One of the biggest barriers in our lives that stops our personal growth is fear.

When I say this, you may agree. Or you may be thinking you don’t have any fears. This is is true when you know you are conversing with others. Sit in a room and have this conversation with yourself and ask yourself “What do I fear about the future?”.

A myriad of answers will come through your mind. From career, relationships, family or just is life going the way you planned. Will I get that job position I always wanted?  Will I ever meet the right person? Will I have enough money to pay my bills? Will I ever buy a house or be financially stable to have kids? Heck even if none of these, have I done enough good in my life?

Truth is, we all have some type of fear.

So why does this happen? There are two reasons.

1. Uncertainty. About our own abilities.

2. How did we learn what fear actually is?

We were born with the ability to love. But we are taught how to fear.

You see as a child, you don’t really know what the concept of fear is. But who teaches you what it is? What are the experiences you’ve had to understand fear? Just like someone taught you maths at school.

This then affects how you think about fear. As the adage goes, your thoughts then affect your actions and have an impact on your character and your life. It can mean you miss good opportunities, excessivley worry or simply become indecisive as a person.

So let’s change that by addressing the core.

Think back. When you were a child you would happily run and jump and touch things. Emotionally you will say what is on your mind. It was like venting and everyone you spoke to was a shrink. You learn through experience to create your own definition of fear.

And then you are taught by others about fear. These are all their fears. You hear their stories, their experiences of fear. These become your experiences of fear.

When you experience other peoples fear, you experience other peoples lives.

You also have increased fear when you are not certain about what you want. There is a difference between knowing what you want and being certain of what you want.

When you don’t have that hunger you won’t do it.

Let’s say you are about to change jobs. Your current job is a comfortable life because you know your work, you know your colleagues, the hours are good etc. But you don’t enjoy your job so you want to leave. But you know your new job will be very difficult, perhaps more challenging, longer hours or perhaps you don’t even know what it will entail fully. Your mind will convince you of many fears why you can’t do it. Others around you tell you to stay, why take the risk. You now start living their fears. Then you start believing that you shouldn’t move. And you don’t move. Even though it could have been the perfect job.

People who are successful are those that create their own definition of fear through experience.

They do this very simply. By listening to their core and having self belief. Being certain this is what they want. Visualising the end result before it’s happened. Then putting in steps to make it happen. When you start to see results, your self-belief increases, so do your actions and therefore you see more results. And the cycle continues…

Ask those that are happy with their decisions and they will say ‘I just knew I had to do it’. It wasn’t a choice.

You may feel that you have been conditioned over so many years that it’s hard, almost silly, to not think about fear the way you do. In fact you may be arguing that it’s good to have fear. Our brains want us to do that. It will convince you. Because it’s comfortable to do what the crowd is doing. It’s comfortable not to take a risk. But comfortable isn’t being alive.

So I challange you over the next month. When you are stopped from doing something because of fear. Think. Is this really what I want? Am I going to do this because I fear what I am doing now? This is also an important question.

Then go for it.

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to really live life

Share on Facebook

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Image 5 Comments

Ever had someone ask you this question?

Seems like we know the answer when we are in our early teens.

What happens around the age of about 20? For those old enough, what happens about ten years in to your working life?

As children we have a lot less fear. So we are able to think and connect more with our sub-conscious thoughts and not distract from them. Some have such a strong connection that they know that’s what they will do. And they do.

Let me explain. I know a friend who is now a doctor. She told me from the age of about 13 she knew that is what she wanted to do because her brother was ill in hospital as a child and she saw how the humour and care of their doctor was able to help the situation. It wasn’t just his job it was his personality she was referring to.

She sounded very tired almost slurring her words as we spoke one day on a call at about 10pm at night, organising plans for the next day. I asked her how her day was. She said “I’m exhausted both physically and mentally” then went on to describe in detail how a nurse had misplaced some notes and a patient was shouting at her earlier in the day.

I asked, smiling on my side of the phone, “Do you like your job?”, expecting her to rant about all the things wrong with it. She said “No, I love my job”.

How? Why? Walking five miles a day in a ward, getting berated by patients then filling in piles of paper work didn’t sound like an exhilarating job to me. But she seemed content. As if she was doing what she was meant to be doing. As if she would not even seek to find happiness in another role because she was so happy. The grass was greener where she was.

I have another friend, on the other hand who wanted to be a pilot ‘when he grows up’.  He now works in Finance and is 10 years in to his career. He told me how everyday on his drive to work he would watch the planes fly in the sky and daydream…what would life have been like. “That could’ve been me”.

So I asked him, what happened? Where did the plan change? He said at about 16 he never thought he would be good enough to pass the exams required to be a pilot. So he didn’t know what to do and just chose Finance at University as a generic topic to keep the options open when he graduated. He knew anything on the medical side was not for him. He used a process of elimination to set his career path. Much like I did in multiple choice questions.

Life is like a multiple choice question. You can either use a process of elimination to ‘hope’ you get to the right answer, or work out the correct one.

He works shorter hours than the doctor, has less stress, and probably gets paid about the same if not better. I asked him “Do you like your job?”  He said “I’m miserable Prabhmeet, I feel like I’m wasting my life, I could be doing so much more”.

I had many more discussions like this with many many people. Each telling their own story.

Can you relate to this?

I asked my friend what if being a pilot also made him miserable, how does he know he would have been happy. He agreed it could be possible. But, he said he would have been living his passion. He would be working with people in an environment that he enjoys. Because he would be interested he would want to learn more, and progress more in the field.

One thing became clear to me. Choosing a career is always thought of as an outwardly decision. What job will give you respect. What will earn you good money. Where will you have security? What will the job be?

All great questions to ask. But what if we flip this thinking on its head. Choosing a job is very much inwardly.

In fact the key to choosing a career is your personality. You see, the job you will do greatest in, is one that suits your personality. Read both examples above and notice how subtly either people or their personality is described.

For example then, if you are strong, challenging and inquisitive a demanding high pressure role will serve you well.

On the other hand if you like a methodological approach, are more reserved, less aggressive, thats completely ok. Because there are roles that need that EXACT personality to be a success. You don’t need to change who you are.

Sure you can change if you really want to. I’ve tried it. And it’s hard work. You spend more time trying to be someone you’re not and less time focusing on actually progressing in your job.

Have you ever had that feeling when you are around certain people and your shoulders feel tight, your neck is clenched and your mouth struggles to always open. Maybe not to an extreme extent but maybe a little bit..maybe 5% or 10%. And when you are around certain other people, you feel so happy that your shoulders drop, your muscles are relaxed and you feel like you can say anything and people will want to listen.

Match your personality to your career.

How do I know what roles will match my personality?

What would you enjoy doing? Like really enjoy, not what you think you should be doing because of parents, friends, uncles, aunts siblings etc.

If you are working at the moment and you are in a role, feel free to leave a comment saying what personality you think best fits in your career. Let’s help each other through sharing knowledge. You never know how it may impact that one person who is stuck in their career choice but has a lot to offer and comes across your comment and has a eureka moment! This isn’t just me writing, this is  where you can contribute and help others too…and you know what, it will feel great. So give it a shot, there is no right or wrong thing to say just your own personal opinion.

Therefore to summarise, to really enjoy your career, you need to

1. identify your passion

2. to identify your passion you need to think about what you enjoy

3. to think about what you enjoy, you need to understand what your personality is like

4. If you don’t know what your personality is like, think who are the people that I enjoy being around the most. Then think about their personalities

But what if it’s a career that I’m not successful in?

What if I don’t enjoy it after I do it?

What if i don’t earn enough money doing my passion even though it sounds amazing?

Yes, I am aware of the recent trend in house prices and university fees etc.

But let’s all have a big round of applause for…fear. Because this is where fear likes to make an appearance.

As we reach adolescence, our concious thoughts become more powerful than our sub-conscious ones. Then we end up in a career that society wants us to be in.

This isn’t the career that YOU wanted to be in. What a waste huh. I would even quite controversially call you selfish. You have been created to do something great! But you choose to do something that someone else will be great at doing.

Follow the steps above, find your purpose in life then live it!

Try it and see. You won’t have any regrets because you will be doing something that you want to do. That you wanted to try. That you want to experience. Seniority, respect and money will come when you’re not just working through a role but you are awesome at it! Not for your bonus, friends or family but for yourself! The world will call upon YOUR expert knowledge, knowledge you have gained by doing something you enjoy. 

Share on Facebook